Today is a tonight and tonight I woke up in the middle of the night in a flurry because I smelt fire and saw smoke pouring into my bedroom beneath the door.
It took me a few seconds to decide whether or not this was the smell of fire from sizzled popcorn, or from an actual fire. The smell was getting progressively worse rapidly and I found it hard to take in deep breaths, so I made a small tent with blankets over Harrison’s face, opened the bedroom windows, and made my way towards the door before Chris, who had been in a deep sleep just a moment before, came flying past me like his pants were on fire. Were they? Is that what I was smelling? Were all those times I told Chris, “yeah, sure I’ll do that when you catch on fire,” coming back to make me eat my words?! No. It couldn’t be.
I ran after Chris into the hallway hoping it wasn’t his pants or body parts that were on fire (due to selfish reasons) and I could hardly see for how thick the smoke was. I also could barely manage to take a full breath because of how thick and heavy the smoke was. While standing at the top of the stairs in the hallway unsure of what, exactly, to do, I saw Chad (Lennon’s best friend) standing in the dining room below with a t-shirt covering his face while he paced around in circles.
“CHAD!” I yelled. “What is going on? What’s on fire? Where is Chris?”
“Something I found in the refrigerator caught on fire.”
“In the fridge? The fridge caught on fire?! Is the house on fire?”
Chris waltzes into the dining room, not on fire THANKFULLY, “Lis, go back in the bed with Harrison. Close the door, put towels at the bottom, open the windows, try to breathe out the window.”
“But what’s on fire? What happened?”
Chad, holding his t-shirt over his face walks over to the kitchen and back into the dining room holding a can of crescent rolls (you know, the ones you buy at the grocery store and then BAKE IN THE OVEN for about 12-15 minutes?), “I cooked these in the microwave and they caught on fire.”
At this point, every damn smoke alarm in my house is screaming “FIRE!” in that obnoxious passive aggressive voice all fire/smoke detectors have and I hear some of the kids making their way into the kitchen.
“Chad, you cooked those in the microwave?” I ask.
Chris walks back into the dining room, “Do you really need to have this conversation right now? Go back into the bedroom! I have smokers’ lungs, I’ll be fine. I’m opening all the windows.”
I ignore him, “Chad, those crescent rolls need to be baked in the oven!”
“I know, I know, Chris is going to kill me.”
The ever-annoying Chris walks back into the dining room, “LISSY! Go back in the fucking bedroom! The baby is in there! Make sure he’s breathing.”
“FINE.” I stomp off and into our bedroom where I ensure Harrison’s continued breathing, turning on fans and using a notebook to wave the air in from the windows. The smoke detectors are still blaring their shrill alarm sounds and passively aggressively shouting “FIRE!” and I decide to use this as my opportunity to exit the room again and use my notebook to fan the air around the detector in the hallway. This will make me look useful to Chris and also allow me to hear all the excitement that’s going on without me.
I overhear Julian shouting at Chad, “Stop blaming me! I told you I didn’t know how to cook those!”
Chad, begging, “Bro! You said you thought maybe I could cook them in the microwave!”
Lennon interjects, “Chad, you’ve been trying to find ways to cook them for the last few days and I told you not to. You think you’re some kind of chef and you’re not. I told you my mom needed to be the one to cook them. You’re cooked, bro, cooked. Chris is about to kill you.”
Julian shakes his head at Chad, “See! You are just trying to find someone to blame because you are obsessed with cooking crescent rolls. I told you I didn’t know how.”
“Julian, you said that maybe I could cook them in there!”
“I DID NOT!”
Chris yells, “Will all of you idiots just shut the hell up!”
I run down from my perch at the top of the stairs where I was waving a notebook at the smoke alarm, “OH MY GOD, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED?”
Chris looks at me, “Is the goddamn baby okay?”
“HE’S FINE! NOW, WHAT HAPPENED?”
Lennon laughs, “Yo, mom, Chad is COOKED! You and Chris are going to kill him.”
Chad puts his head down and shakes his head, “Alissa, I’m sorry. I cooked the crescent rolls in the microwave and they caught on fire.”
“Lissy, they actually caught on fire…up in fucking flames, every one of them!” Chris walks over to me to show me the plate full of lumps of black charcoal.
“Oh my god, hold on, I need a picture!”
“Lissy! Something is fucking wrong with you! Our house could have burnt down and you want a fucking picture of the evidence?!”
“It’s just a picture. Nothing is on fire.”
“Lis, it’s going to take weeks to get rid of this smell. Do you know Chad cooked them in the microwave for eight minutes?”
I look at Chad, “Are you kidding me? Didn’t you read the container?”
Chad squeezes his eyes shut, “Alissa, I know, I know. I’m sorry!”
I laugh, “Well, the smell is the biggest problem! It smells terrible in here. We probably can never use the microwave again. And, Chad, don’t forget that a few weeks ago you broke my bike!”
Chris lets out a big huff of air, “You’re more fucking expensive than my own kids.”
Adriana comes stomping down the stairs, “Dad? What’s happening?”
“Chad is a menace to this house is what happened. He tried to cook crescent rolls in the microwave and, for some reason, the smoke and smell of fire coming from the microwave didn’t make him think he should stop it until he saw the fucking rolls burst into flames.”
Adriana looks at Chad, “Oh my god. Ha! You’re cooked, bro! Why would you do that?”
“Guys, I’m sorry!” Chad rubs his head, “I didn’t know!”
Lennon laughs, “Bro, you think you’re some fancy chef and now look what you did. All you can do is make pancakes here…that’s it.”
—
It has been a couple of weeks since this event occurred and I can assure you that Chad is still alive and is still Lennon’s best friend. Chad, like a hemorrhoid, is an ever-present fixture in our home and, unlike a hemorrhoid, we really enjoy him so much! Our friends and family all know Chad; he spends a ton of time here, eats all of the food, breaks lots of things, but he is a wonderful young man with a great sense of humor and a bright future ahead, and I wouldn’t change anything about his presence in our lives. Yes, he did break my $350.00 bike recently. And, no, I do not want him to be responsible for fixing it. I didn’t even tell his parents about it because that’s just not who Chris and I are as people. I’m sure Lennon has been places and broken things, and if he hasn’t, then he certainly will (as will my other kids) and I hope my children will be offered the same grace the we offer in our home.
It took a good three days to get the smell of burnt things out of the house and I can tell you that we tried everything and what worked best was using a Dutch oven to simmer water with orange peels, cloves, and vanilla extract for most of those three days. The microwave remains an issue; every time it is used, the smell of rotten fire comes back and before you give me your tips please note that I have tried:
White vinegar sitting in the microwave
Microwaving white vinegar
Baking soda
Wiping down the microwave with white vinegar
Leaving cloves in the microwave
These things did not work. What also did not work, you wonder? Chris lighting incense cones ON FIRE in a microwave that had already been on fire. It did not go well. It redeemed Chad…sort of. Now when the microwave is used, the food item tastes like incense. At least after Chad’s incident using the microwave made your food taste a bit burnt; food tasting like incense is markedly worse, Chris!!!! I have been petitioning for a new microwave that I feel that Chris should pay for since he’s the one who thought lighting incense on fire inside was a good idea, but he has not bent to my will…yet.
Because Chris is the absolute worst, I don’t have a picture of the crescent rolls, but I did get a picture of a small chunk of sizzled crescent roll that remained in the microwave.
This is what simmered on my stove for days. It works!
“This will make me look useful to Chris and also allow me to hear all the excitement that’s going on without me.”
^^ my favorite FOMO ever!